'Beautiful'

One of my favourite Christian song writers, Bethany Dillon wrote a powerful song called Beautiful...some of the words from it are,

"I want to be beautiful
and make you stand in awe
look inside my heart
and be amazed.
I want to hear you say
who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful."

How do we define beauty? Is it by the women we see on our catwalks or television screens? Is it by the way someone behaves towards us or others? By the measure of someones wealth and the clothes they wear? Or is it by the beauty of nature we see around us.
The valleys of Wales are beautiful, just like Kate Moss is considered naturally beautiful. But which is more beautiful...both are Gods creation? But unlike Kate, the innocence of nature needs no fancy clothes and expensive make up to reveal its true beauty.

I wonder why we obsess so much about our image both on the inside and the outside. I often find myself checking how I look before I climb into bed, how stupid it that? As if my duvet cares what state my hair is in as I sleep under it!

There is this desperation for acceptance and confirmation of how we are as people. Its not enough anymore that God created us in his image and that being a beautiful person on the inside is what matters. No, I want to be beautiful to the world. Damn it!
I want people to look at me and be amazed, I want people to say who I am is quite enough and I want to be worthy of love.
Its just a shame that a lot of us believe that the only way to achieve this is spending an extra 30minutes each day, straightening our hair or caking our face in concealer. I am of course including myself in this I assure you.

God said " you are fearfully and wonderfully made." ( In his likeness)

I don't feel very wonderful.
And I have to admit that I'm pretty fearful right now, fearful because the number of scars I bear is increasing and I'm still not as beautiful as I want to be. And before too long I may get found out, then people will realise just how ugly I really am.

Unhappy?...not me!

I feel like these last posts have all been a bit depressing...and morbid. So I have tried to set myself the mission of being upbeat and proving that I am NOT a melodramatic, depressive and hopelessly lost individual.

I am struggling however, as I fear that maybe it has come to the point where I will have to admit that I am infact hopelessly lost at least. And maybe just a little melodramatic. Well, at least I believe myself to be a little dramatic. I mean my life has been good. I have 2 loving parents who have, despite their differences remained solid. I have a brother and a sister who I love, and love me, and its safe to say would do anything for me. I am the baby of the family after all.
I have had a happy life, I have no excuse there.
But, it doesnt matter how much I tell myself 'Im happy' and pinch myself when I feel my mind getting all cold and empty 'you are happy!'
There is something missing, because I dont feel what I should feel. I actually am happy, I know I am. I just dont understand why I cant always feel, what I know I am.
So my prayer for this day and the next is that my mind would allow me to feel the happiness I know it so desperately wants to believe in.

As for being dramatic, well. I think I can allow myself that little luxury for now. Nobody gets noticed unless they make a drama, right?
And i suppose more than anything I want to be noticed, because unless someone notices that Im lost. How will I ever find myself again? And my greatest fear is that I may never get found.

Loneliness

I'm dying of loneliness in a world full of people....everyone just needs a hand to hold. Wheres mine?

Trucking on.

I hate that question...'How are you?'
How do you answer? Because more often than not the person who is asking is asking to be polite and requires a mere 'Im fine!' Before moving onto the next person. So inevitably you bite your tongue (literally) smile and give them the reply they wanted when they set about asking you the question in the first place.

I suppose telling them that every day you open your eyes and hold back the dread and tears, because it seems you have no choice but to live another day. That giving them that all important smile and polite greeting actually physically hurts you, because more than anything you want to shout, scream and run around them in the hope that they will notice you.
That one day you hope someone will look you in the eye and finally see what you've been hiding all this time, because thats all it would take. If they just looked directly into your eyes they would be able to see the scars and the burning hatred you hold for yourself.
I suppose though thats not what they would have you do, the truth is better left where its always been...hidden.